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Joke of the Day

"My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she's all, ""Stop it, you're driving too fast! We're on a bridge!"""

"*makes third wish* Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women. [Transformed into really nice handbag] Dammit."

"Ever notice it's only ""stalking"" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to do it before it gets cool, and one to talk about how much better the old one used to be."

"Why don't ghosts have legs? Because they're so white the can't dance."

"What do pirates like to wear during the winter? Scarves"

"Sometimes my sense of humour is so dark... ... It picks cotton"

"Why did Al Gore go to the dentist for a tooth pulling? He had an Inconvenient Tooth."

"When Chinese audiences see movies based on toys... ...they probably think ""Hey look! It's those toys we made!"""

"My girlfriend told me to humble down shes just jealous of the fact that I'm the most humble man on earth"