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Joke of the Day

"I hate it when people pretend they know everything about culture when they talk about Mozart They probably have never seen any of his paintings."

"The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in Vietnam."

"What happened when the Mrs. Smith's truck collided with the Tastykake truck? Pyrex"

"Civil War spoilers Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth."

"I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she'd let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?"

"I told the bartender i wanted a 9/11 Bartender: ""whats a 9/11?"" me: ""a fucked up Manhattan"""

"My math professor had to go into rehab yesterday. He had sum problems."

"There's good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell."

"How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle? Somebody took a corner!"

"I don't tell god how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my god is."