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Joke of the Day

"I think I might be a nihilist... not that it matters..."

"You can't tell me I neglect my children. Nobody else knows where they are either."

"The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren't the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me."

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a dead baby in your apple."

"This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside."

"I got a new couch... ...wasn't sure how comfortable it would be, but sofa so good!"

"Men are like buses, they won't text me back."

"If 4/20 is national weed day whats 4/21? National surprise drug test day! Happy 4/20 everyone! :)"

"""Be cool, be cool, be cool"" ~me before I'm about to not be cool."

"Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia? They were afraid of Stalin."