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Joke of the Day

"My negotiating strategy is to make a skeptical face for one second then pay what the other person asked."

"It's my wife's birthday and I bought her slippers and a dildo. In case she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

"[ER: Goth Unit] Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW"

"Welcome to your 40s! Your body will do new and exciting things such as sneeze-pee, yawn-burp, and light speed chin hair growth."

"If there is a better way to memorialize your parakeet than by tattooing his name on your ass, I'd certainly like to hear it."

"What do you get if you cross the Titanic with The Sixth Sense? Icey dead people."

"Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age."

"Where do cats go on vacation? Maui."

"Somewhere in Russia, a little kid farted a half beat before the meteor blew out all the windows. It was the greatest moment of his life."

"What do you call an airplane that has sex with both men and women? A biplane."