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Joke of the Day

"Why is the Doctor an excellent chef? He's a Thyme Lord"

"My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores me until she needs something."

"Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those. Wait. Two. I have 2 kids."

"Microwaves don't need to give warning beeps after cooking the food - the last thing I'm going to do is forget I just made pizza rolls."

"My friend got fired from his job selling industrial vacuum cleaners. It's cool though he said it sucked."

"Isn't it weird how something that's used as PUNISHMENT as a child becomes a sexual act once we're older? Like oral sex."

"All work and no play... .... makes Abraham Lincoln a full term president. Im going to hell."

"Every day, there's a kid coming to my store looking for trouble... And every day, I tell him we're sold out. Can't he buy Monopoly instead?"

"Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress."

"Our family's annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I'm stringing the lights wrong."