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Joke of the Day

"DAE always have that substitute teacher who didn't know anything about the subject matter? Sorry. Wrong sub."

"My girlfriend broke up with me for my obsession with touching pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."

"My Life Sucks... Because my wife doesn't."

"It'd be fun to watch screaming monkeys throw poop at each other today, but it's too cold in DC for the zoo. And Congress is out of session."

"*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo... Coming... *other Indian replies* New... Fire... Who... Dis?"

"My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age. So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl. Tik Tok."

"I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals... fcuking livid"

"Her: You have very beautiful hair. Me: Oh, you flirt! *Hands me her card* Her: If you're ever thinking about selling it, call me..."

"My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where's my Oscar?"

"What do you call an alcoholic dog ? A whino !"