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Joke of the Day

"I went out with a girl the other night who turned out to be really weird I guess the fact that she said she was a communist should have been a big red flag"

"I got caught making out with my cousin once - mum and dad went mental. In my defence we were just kids, and there was an awful lot of alcohol at her funeral."

"The worst thing about being single is wondering if I'll ever have kids. Like, what if I just keep making money & having fun forever? Scary!"

"Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch."

"My girlfriend told me she enjoys sex more while on holiday. I tell you that was an awkward postcard to receive"

"You're a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken's done."

"What do you call an organized group of people waiting to get drinks? Punchline"

"Teacher: you can be anything you want Me: Beyonce Her: well, not that (we stare at each other blankly for 17 min...) Me: Hi I'm Beyonce"

"The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver............we now have a situation in the kitchen."

"Her: I can't believe you slept with her! Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK! Her: I just went to the store to buy bread! Me: Longest six minutes ever"