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Joke of the Day

"In response to being asked if I had a good weekend: Days off are like blowjobs -- even the bad ones are good."

"The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card."

"What is the one food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? Wedding cake."

"It was karaoke night. My friend chose to sing, ""We Are Young"". He sung it horribly. So I told him, ""You're no fun."" I'll show myself out."

"When I was ten I played Secret Agent with my little brother. Turns out toddlers do not make good grappling hooks."

"Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you."

"They say don't go to a grocery store when you're hungry But I ran out of food a week ago"

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster."

"After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer."

"I don't get why I got fired today I was just doing my job... Stalking"