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Joke of the Day

"I was so close to a threesome last night... I was only missing 2 people"

"*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant* *she storms out upset* *I follow* Outside: ""DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!"" *high 5*"

"I couldn't use my phone at the funeral It was a dead zone"

"Friday, is that you???????"

"What sentence did the man who took 2 minutes to turn around get? Man*slowturn*."

"*takes earrings out* *takes bracelet off* *slips out of shoes* *tears off jeans, shirt, bra* *shaves head* Ok Doc you can weigh me now"

"Why do Americans spell it as 'color' and not 'colour'? Because fuck u that's why."

"How does an Old lady vagina feel? ever fed a pony?"

"Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn't know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes."

"I bet Jesus would have instagrammed a lot of pics of wine."