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Joke of the Day

"[being robbed] Me: careful.. I'm ARMED *whips out bible Robber: lol *pulls gun out of bible R: oh *pulls smaller bible out of gun"

"GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion."

"I said to my wife, ""You look like a million pounds.""... I said to my wife, ""You look like a million pounds."" ""Don't you mean dollars?"" she replied. ""I know what I mean,"" I said."

"My mental health is like a rainbow All over the spectrum"

"My deity ignored my prayers today. The sacrifice was a disaster. First, I didn't have the correct incantation, and then the goat knocked over the candles. I guess two wrongs don't make a rite."

"I'm not sure if I have constipation or diarrhoea. I'll find out by a process of elimination."

"Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free."

"About to go for a run, because shoplifting"

"I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?"

"I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because... According to Bill, she doesn't suck."