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Joke of the Day

"Some friends, a lesbian couple... bought me an antique gold fob timepiece for my birthday. I think they mistook me when I said ""I wanna watch""."

"*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat* *Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*"

"[break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation"

"BOSS: I'm sorry I just don't trust your judgment. ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain.."

"Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your mum walking in on you looking at the Google homepage."

"THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN 911.. AND 9/11"

"Doctor Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a book Doctor: So what's your story?"

"Did you hear about the fire at the convent? Nun survived!"

"What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer."

"*Speed Dating* Him: Do you have any hobbies? Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard* ""TAAA-DAAA!"""