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Joke of the Day

"Monday morning, still sore from my run and all I have at work is acetaminophen, meaning if I take it I can't drink until like 11AM."

"Did you hear about the fly that flew through a screen door? He strained himself."

"Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Jesus turned it into wine."

"So there we were, 5 against a 100... man, did we fuck those 5 up."

"You didn't comment on my selfie. WHO IS SHE"

"Every chair is a reclining chair when you're drunk."

"If my neighbors are gonna get angry every time I see them... why did I even buy the binoculars?"

"Yo mama so fat she should be concerned because diabetes is a serious problem."

"What do Japanses pirates do? Fry pranes."

"I got athlete's foot... I don't even work out, so I was flattered."