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Joke of the Day

"If you like blowing candles on your birthday, what does that make you? A gay candle."

"My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?"

"My wife said I never do anything for her so I packed her bags and put them outside."

"The ONLY reason I haven't unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them."

"I've wasted the best years of my life waiting for people to join conference calls."

"When ya leave Twitter it's called twittercide. What about Instagram? Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?"

"Think of a number. Realize that number will never think of you too. Lay on your bathroom floor and sob."

"My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything. You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation."

"Jared should be okay in prison He is used to 6 inches."

"Waiter what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad? Not him again he's in here every night !"