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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the clarinet player who left her clarinet in the backseat of her unlocked car? When she got back, there were 14 more."

"Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning Brain: Stop M: It was B: No M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey B: This is why I can't do math in your head"

"Senior Year? More like sleep and beer."

"It's cute the way you ignore the red squiggly line under all of your words."

"Listening to my husband's gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding."

"What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? You can throw your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for two weeks afterward"

"I got silver for cheating on my wife. I'm always medalling in affairs."

"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards Just sit down and I'll deal with you later"

"Just found out a spider's been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!"

"Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off, so who was left?"