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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 30 pounds. (and then the female come-back): What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes!"

"Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me ""The defendant"" for a full day."

"Some guy at a party asked me, ""Who's cheese is on those chips?"" [Fixed] And I said, ""Well, obviously *na-chos*."" Get it? It sounds like '*not yours*' with an accent."

"My wife told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. I'm planning on wearing it this Friday."

"Burritos are just tacos that are shy."

".@Garfield because of your ""cartoon"" I fed my beloved Mr. Turtle lasagna & coffee for his birthday & he died. I will fuck your soul."

"""Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?"" ""Can't. Scared."" ""Of the water?"" ""No. Palindromes."""

"[1st day as cop] captain: ""why did you call for back up"" me: ""there was a fly in my car"" swat team leader: ""what exactly do you think we do"""

"Him: So whattayou wanna do? Her: I dunno Him: So...You wanna play video games? Her: No! Him: So...You wanna watch me play video games?"

"What's the Italian version of Preparation-H? Innuend-O"