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Joke of the Day

"What is your mom's favorite animal? Macaque."

"What do female ghosts have? BooOOOooobs."

"""Tell me why I shouldn't report you to HR?"" The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. ""I don't work here"" I yelled back."

"When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall."

"""i am equally happy on the couch watching netflix or at a party with friends"" = ""the human condition is one of sickness & contradiction"""

"Do you know who REALLY gets irony? Skydiving schools. Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate! *releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*"

"What does the average cat say? Mu"

"I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened."

"Ladies: this giant sunglasses shit needs to stop. I can't tell you how pretty you are when you have a goddamn Millennium Falcon on each eye."

"What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my dick down your throat."