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Joke of the Day

"My wife and I adopted an abandoned newborn. She was affected by shaken baby syndrome... ...We're naming her Jostlelyne! I made that one up myself."

"You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!"

"What does Supertramp do after buying rice? They take the long-grain home."

"I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone."

"Simon: I wrote a song Garfunkel: *reads lyrics* Garfunkel: ""I am a rock. I am an island"" dude I'm like right here. I thought we were friends"

"Nobody in America dies as a virgin... because our government fucks us all."

"If singer/actor Meat Loaf got sick and refused treatment... the newspapers headline could be ""Meat Loaf Aday keeps the doctor away"""

"If you were a stand-up comic, and you're doing a show for a family at a funeral. What would you're opening line be? Like outrageous, dark, funny whatever let's hear!"

"Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard."

"What is the fastest animal in the world? The Ethiopian chicken."