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Joke of the Day

"[on phone] ""Press 1 if you're a huge nerd"" ""Press 2 if you're a virgin"" ""Press 3 if y-"" STOP TALKING, DAD! I'm trying to call Xbox support"

"*eats everything*"

"You don't know shit about pressure until you're the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you."

"Dear Parents If you want to find out where your Son/Doughter is in the house, Simply turn off WI-FI and Wait"

"How do you see if the Ken doll is ticklish? Give him test tickles."

"I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park."

"I hope it's true that girls eventually turn into their mothers, because this girl I just ran over has a mother who's alive."

"If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand."

"My freshman year of college I farted in a tiny crowded dorm room & a girl's younger sister who was visiting & wasn't even drunk threw up."

"Doc: Let's check your reflexes. Me: I have the reflexes of a cat. Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer* Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc's eyes out*"