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Joke of the Day
"the chemistry between me and any kind of food is just whoa"
Next Joke
"Not sure what to watch tonight.... American Horror Story on FX or the one on ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, CNN, CNBC and MSNBC."
"Noisy Nights by Constance Norah"
"What's the oldest trick in the book? Trick #1, duh. It's at the beginning of the contents."
"if you're happy and you know it... then the chemtrails are working Edit: credit to Welcome to Nightvale"
"The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it's your day off."
"""The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole's Law."""
"[bedroom] Her: omg don't stop Me: what was that? Her: *sighs* Simon says don't stop"
"Vegetarian: 'You know, a cow died so you could have that burger'. Me: 'Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food'."
"Ya know who's probably more bummed out than any of us? Bums."