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Joke of the Day

"Go sport ball! Game time! Yelling and outfits! Beer! You guys are bad! We are good! Sports yelling! Bright colors! #sports"

"*date leans in* Tell me something I don't know about you. *I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket."

"""Oh, we're going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked."" - my 2 year old"

"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean...? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my chest."

"Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio."

"Don't forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else's house and telling everyone it's yours, then closing the post office."

"If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unnatractive They'd eventually find me attractive"

"A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk' to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill."

"if you have a favorite tetris block that isn't the 4x1 long piece, you're a fucking contrarian idiot asshole and i hate you"

"""This is the one I use for wiping"" - Handshakes"