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Joke of the Day

"Why do people get suspicious when a baby doesn't like you? It's not psychic. It's a stupid baby with shitty taste in people."

"[voice recognition in car] Car: ""please say a command"" Me: ""call Tim"" Car: ""calling Sarah Marcogliese"""

"""I wish I had more time to read"" he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode."

"*tries to quietly eat carrot sticks during your funeral*"

"Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home."

"What do you call a race ran by female horses? A mare-a-thon."

"$100 Bill A: Why are you late? B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? B: No, I was standing on it."

"A PIECE OF ADVICE Never play leapfrog with a unicorn."

"There are 10 types of people. Ones who understand binary, and ones that don't."

"Maybe it's just the mushrooms talking, but I should probably write down everything they say."