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Joke of the Day

"Your car keys will always be in the same pocket as the hand that's carrying 6 bags of groceries. Always."

"You know peanuts can kill a person! Well, they are nuts, after all!"

"Did you hear about the protests going on outside of Madison Square Garden? Everyone was yelling ""Hands up, Don't Shoot"" but J.R. Smith and Carmelo Anthony just wouldn't listen."

"Thinking about calling 911 just to feel a fireman's embrace."

"Got run over by a limo this morning Took fucking ages"

"Doctor: You are very sick! The patient to the doctor: Can I get a second opinion? The doctor again: Yes, you are very ugly too..."

"It was definitely Adam and Steve - what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??"

"Would you like a havarti sandwich? No thank you, havarti got a sandwich! *rim shot*"

"That ""dammit"" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like ""Now what do I do...?"""

"Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you're doing it?"