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Joke of the Day

"What do you call those things that get fluff off a sweater? Women"

"[at aquarium] That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank. ""Octopi"" Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank."

"Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap He was high on my list of priorities"

"The most tedious aspect of my job is the part where I have to jiggle the mouse every 30 minutes to keep the screensaver from activating."

"I was going to be a politician for Halloween Then I realized I couldn't fit my head up my ass"

"If I learned anything from Forest Gump it's that people who love to run are retarded."

"How Many Feminist does it take to Screw SRSer ? None, Even Feminist have standarts"

"""As the crow flies"" means something entirely different when it's ""in your living room"" and you are ""hiding in the closet with your cat."""

"I'm doomed to always think of the best comebacks the next day when the baby isn't even around."

"Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church. They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, ""Gee, I've never come across your faces before."""