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Joke of the Day

"I'm on the toilet, and I'm pretty sure I just reached enlightenment. Holy shit."

"its adam and eve not woody and buzz, if you want a real toy story read the bible"

"I have a friend named Tim who is dyslexic and shares too much. We call him Tmi."

"A blonde was watching the news and saw that two Brazilian skydivers died in a horrific accident. She responds with, ""two Brazilian? Is that more than a billion?""."

"Why do people ask ""What were you thinking?"" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain."

"Two Short Jokes, and One Long One... Joke Joke Jooooooooooooooke!"

"Customer: What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup? Waiter: Probably learning to read."

"Does ""You'll find love when you're not looking for it"" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars."

"Why did the alien phone home on his mobile? Because it was so ET !"

"[Bee diary] Day one: met a really cute queen bee Day two: queen bee is now my gf Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates"