7454

Joke of the Day

"Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours. Him: Why'd you shave it off? Me: I just told you..."

"I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey."

"My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you're good."

"So apparently I've been Googling 'Asian Prom' this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren't going to bang."

"Thought I could safely force a fart... But it backfired."

"Did you hear about Princess Dianas car crash? She was all over the radio. And the dash. And the windshield..."

"What's worse? Receiving a text from your girlfriend saying that you're breaking up or receiving a second text after saying that it was supposed to be for someone else?"

"Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out."

"I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed."

"[revenge plan] *invent miniaturisation machine. *shrink to tiny size. *crawl all over sleeping spider's face."