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Joke of the Day

"Maybe if we press ""2"" for Spanish, we'll actually get someone that speaks English better then the person on the ""1"" line."

"I wanted to tell an NSA joke... But I feel like they've heard them all before."

"I've been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*"

"So how is your sushi? Meh, it's all rice."

"today I matched speeds with a car on the highway so I could make eye contact with a dog in the backseat"

"[out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water"

"Him: Can you forgive me? *mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is* Me: Yes, but I'm really hurt so please give me time."

"What do you call it when a gorilla takes martial arts lessons? Kong-fu"

"Coworker: I lost my phone. Me: WHAT? CW: I don't know where it is. M:*perplexed look* You're not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!"

"I want to be the reason you pee in six different directions every morning."