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Joke of the Day

"Sex is kinda like pizza... It tastes better without rubber."

"[Jaws 5] Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark? Spielberg: ACTION!!"

"Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not ""like Dan Aykroyd."""

"I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond. He climbed on my ""corpse"" for 5 minutes then turned on the tv."

"If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, ""Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"""

"they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him? grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow"

"I joke a lot about how horrible my wife and kid are, but in reality you should know that it's not funny at all and it really sucks for me."

"What kind of injury results from having an omega-3 bottle thrown at your head? A super-fish-oil wound"

"TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion."

"whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i'll hack into their security cameras real fast [types ""job openings"" into google]"