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Joke of the Day

"What job do you never stop training for? Conductor"

"If I got a nickel everytime I said ""I don't believe in fairies"" I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it"

"Why does everyone make fun of Batmans old suit, the one with the nipples? Bats have nipples. Hell, that's the most sensitive part of a bat."

"My neighbor got an iPad! I know this because I always steal his mail. My new iPad is awesome!"

"Did you know Danny Welbeck's dad was a bomb disposal expert. His name was Stan Welbeck."

"Bud light is alot like sex in a canoe... It's fucking close to water"

"I'm not a narcissist. Narcissists spend their time looking at themselves in the mirror. I don't need to do that to know I look fabulous."

"If I was gonna kill myself, I'd fly a helicopter into the sun. It'd be badass. Babes would weep for the carnal possibilities they missed."

"My neighbours love so much the music I listen to all day They even called the police to hear it, too...!!"

"(re-post) Why does beyonce sing ""to the left, to the left"" Because women have no rights."