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Joke of the Day

"*discovering flying dinosaur* PALEONTOLOGIST: We'll call it pterodactyl, for ""wing fingers"" ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*"

"Your mom is so ugly... ... That she committed suicide and the devil sent her right back."

"There's panic and then there's can't-find-your-tampon-string-panic."

"You're 15 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt."

"why did the hipster burn his mouth drinking coffee? he drank it before it was cool."

"""The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead"" - Bedtime at George R.R. Martin's house"

"In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends."

"What does a fire, flood, earthquake, tornado, hurricane, and a wife have in common? Sooner or later, one of them is probably going to get your house."

"Why is it easier to pick a prime minister than any other leader? Because there's only 2 factors involved."

"If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling ""IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"