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Joke of the Day

"News said how hard it'd be to shoplift a turkey. Amateurs. It's all about commitment. *stuffs turkey under shirt* *whines that back hurts*"

"What did Tom hanks do in the woods? He took a forrest dump."

"I've been contemplating legally changing my name to 'An End', so that all good things must come to me."

"Yes, I read the Internet. But only for the articles."

"When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them."

"Turtle Empathy You know when someone's talking to you and you don't give a fuck about what they're saying? I bet that's how turtles feel about everything."

"Parents: It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee next to parked cars."

"""I don't know the government, and I'm not giving them any of my coins."" - my 4yo after I explained taxes"

"What is the average Math teacher like? Mean."

"I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me"