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Joke of the Day

"Me: I won't be in due to a VOLCANO Boss: ..we live, in Florida..? Me: IRRELEVANT Boss: Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*"

"I have a super hero joke Fantastic four"

"""I'll sleep when I die"" - person who doesn't really understand sleeping or dying."

"Your secrets safe with me.. I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago..."

"I am a unicorn hunter You don't see any unicorns around do you?"

"Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C#"

"Whenever someone's robbing my house, I pretend I'm robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible."

"Why is Tumblr so odd? Because they can't even."

"What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your mouth."

"*plugs my phone in to charge when it's at 80%* *lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*"