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Joke of the Day

"This one time I swallowed a piece of string. When it came out it was all tied up. I shit you knot."

"Matthew McMonaughey's Lincoln doesn't make left turns... It just goes all right, all right, all right."

"*turns off life support* *waits* *turns it back on* Me: How's she now? Him: Are you sure you're a doctor? Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT."

"Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver"

"Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill"

"She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I'm frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don't know karate."

"Someone just used the phrase, 'that's a big load', on this conference call, and suddenly I'm paying attention."

"Alsation: What is your favorite holiday? Chihuahua: Howloween!"

"Why is James Bond's favourite bartender played by Michael J Fox? He doesn't need to tell him to shake the martini."

"Did you hear about that new wax museum in Arizona. And... it's gone."