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Joke of the Day

"What does my penis have in common with JP Morgan Chase and Bank of America? They are all too Big To Fail."

"*forward*reverse*forward* *reverse*forward*reverse*... --someone in an electric wheelchair giving a blowjob."

"Did you hear the one about the blind ship captain? He couldn't sea anything."

"A drunken man speaks what a sober man thinks."

"Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day* Her: You eat too much candy, you're going to make me a widow Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*"

"cow: where does milk come from? me: *laughs* cow: *laughs* farmer: *laughs* milk man: *laughs* everyone: *laughs* cow: but no, seriously."

"Why are dogs such terrible dancers? They have two left feet."

"TIFU in Subway Oops, wrong sub!"

"My boyfriend just texted me, ""We need to talk."" I think he's going to propose!"

"My dick is like an anchor... If it extends, I'm not going anywhere until it retracts."