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Joke of the Day

"Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole. :("

"My favorite word is penetration. My second favorite word is done."

"Whenever someone says, ""Good question"" I never hear their answer because I'm too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question."

"What's the difference between Trump and Hitler? Hitler started out as a good guy."

"Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you...MUCH WORSE!"

"What do you call a water fowl looking in a window? Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)"

"Does anyone on here know how to ""unhook"" Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??"

"If you can say ""I made six figures last year,"" you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory."

"[Starbucks] ME: [bursts in] THERE'S A GUNMAN AT LARGE BARISTA: [shrugs] ME: [sigh] THERE'S A GUNMAN AT VENTI B: *grande screaming noises*"

"A man drowned this morning eating a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled him under."