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Joke of the Day
"Why did the chicken cross the road? To see the idiot. Knock knock *Who's there?* The chicken..."
Next Joke
"Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back."
"What do you call a pessimistic Mexican? A Mexican't"
"So someone called me a dick... So it got me thinking, yeah it checks out; roommates are a couple of nuts, neighbor's an asshole, and my friend is kind of a cunt."
"My stages of drunk: 1) onstage 2) backstage 3) hostage"
"What do you call a dumb seal? An imbeseal"
"My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I'm afraid it wants to murder me."
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"Me: C'mon, baby. Send me a pic. Her: I dunno. Me: Baby, please. I need it. Her: Fine. *Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck* Me: Sweeeeeet"
"Why did the Broadway star with a tiny butt get evicted? Because he was a little behind on Rent!"