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Joke of the Day

"[mission] CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches? ME: Yeah and now it doesn't work CMDR: What? Let me see ME: I can't...it's in the sink"

"What do you call someone who speaks only one language? An American."

"Why do women love Jordan Spieth? Because he came second."

"My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds"

"Vibrator factory workers probably check their phones every ten seconds."

"What did the man say when he saw the Jewish man stealing his water? ""Water Jew doing?"""

"Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. Unless he wears Crocs. You just know he's a total douche jacket at that point."

"I'm addicted to poverty If my bank account has money in it I suffer withdrawal."

"I got an email from a prince in Africa saying I inherited 100,000 dollars. But my computer just says i got a virus... I hope it's not Ebola"

"Abortions are like stains in my carpet. You don't want them to be seen, and you pay somebody to vacuum them out."