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Joke of the Day

"I want to listen to the audiobook of The Qur'an. Can someone please burn me a copy? Seriously, folks..."

"So I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar... and accidentally wrote a One Direction song."

"Why did the turkey walk across the road twice? He didn't want to be called chicken"

"Three kittens were on a roof, which slipped off first? The one with the lowest mew"

"Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down."

"Squirrels are like cigarettes. They are completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light them on fire."

"Burglar gently waking me... ""you live like this?"""

"What came before the Big Bang? The Big Foreplay."

"""I say, this bloody coffee tastes like mud!...."" "" It should sir, it was ground this morning."""

"I bet hipsters love Mondays just to be ironic, but mostly because they're unemployed."