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Joke of the Day

"doctor: ""is there anything that runs in the family?"" wife: ""hm not really"" me: ""the dog jogs a lot"""

"We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move."

"What was the problem with the midget prostitute? She was always selling herself short."

"What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities."

"Why did Chris Christie endorse Donald Trump? Christie wants the highest cabinet position possible because he knows - the higher cabinet is where they keep all the cookies!"

"So I was in my house masturbating... and my sister comes up to me all indignant like. She asks me what the hell is wrong with me. I reply that she should knock before coming into her room."

"I'm getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it's really just starting to come across as desperate"

"Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? To find a tight seal."

"What did the urban dog say to the other urban dog? Wad up Dawg?"

"Painters wear all white while they paint like they don't give a fuck."