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Joke of the Day

"Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir. Man in car: But that's a balloon. Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it'll soon be a dog."

"My face is very symmetrical...over the x-axis :("

"It's a bad idea to eat the meat from the female cows. That would be a Miss Steak."

"What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump? One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck."

"I'd like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today."

"Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall... ...As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'."

"Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun! EMT: dude your gonna die if you si- Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun"

"When does a joke become a dad joke? When it forgets to use a condom"

"I used to not get on with my mother-in-law but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!"

"You know, this conspiracy with the Patriots has left me deflated."