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Joke of the Day

"*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone* SKELETON: you cant...it's not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media"

"Someday, when I'm really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom."

"Just burned 2000 calories while in bed. That's the last time I take a nap while the brownies are in the oven."

"A yoga teacher was murdered... ...they're saying it was premeditated."

"Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women's attention. I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes."

"I was playing chess with my Australian friend He moved his queen in front of my king and said ""check, mate"". I replied and said, ""you didn't win though?"" Confused he said, ""mate, I know."""

"What do you call a cow with no legs?? Ground Beef"

"Son: Daddy, what's it like to have the most awesome son in the world ? Father: I don't know, ask your grandfather."

"I got thirsty on the ride to the carnival But the punch line was impossible to find."

"You should never be sad. Because sad backwards is das.. ..and das not good."