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Joke of the Day

"a lady was like ""can you believe he's 14 months old already"" and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day"

"If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don't even need to write ""No DMs"" in your bio."

"Dad to kid: ""Connor, eat your food!"" ""Eat your food!"" ""Eat your food!"" ""Eat your food!"" Me: *turns around, eats all of kid's food*"

"What's blue and square? An orange in disguise! Boom!!!"

"How do you start a rave party in Ethiopia? Glue bread to the ceiling."

"What do you call a lizard that doesn't work? A reptile dysfunction."

"Cigarettes are just like hamsters. They're perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire."

"He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. A time traveler walks into a bar."

".@Garfield because of your ""cartoon"" I fed my beloved Mr. Turtle lasagna & coffee for his birthday & he died. I will fuck your soul."

"What do French people call a really bad Thursday? A trajeudi."