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Joke of the Day

"My friend was knocked down and killed by a speeding truck full of designer Versace dresses The police said he was a fashion victim"

"What is everyone using to scrape ice off their windscreen? This morning I used a discount card from my wallet, but it was no good. I only got 20% off.....!!"

"I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate."

"After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it's still January so it's super cold out and I have considerate eyes."

"Bruce Jenner's Gender. . . Is turning into a real Brucehaha"

"I was created in a gas station. I was an in-petro fertilization baby."

"""Your bathroom has better lighting for selfies"" wasn't a good enough excuse for my surprised neighbor getting out of the shower. So uptight."

"Monorail joke I love making jokes about monorails, they make the best one-liners!"

"Who is Thor? A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: http://amzn.com/B00BERRBI2)"

"if aliens show up and they're nice, we'll take them captive. and if they're mean, they'll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving."