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Joke of the Day

"Religion That is all"

"I have caller ID for the front door. If you don't call me first, I am NOT answering the door."

"3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP! ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* 3YO: I want a snack."

"*birds dress Cinderella for school* *gets to school, goes into bathroom* *buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*"

"What is the difference between a Cat fish and a lawyer? One is a shit eating bottom sucker. The other one is a fish..."

"So I got a vasectomy today... Doctor walks in and says: ""you're in good hands, I've altered more balls than Tom Brady"""

"A girl just broke up with her friend The guy deserved it. He loved her more than anything, but still he treated her really badly. He really was a dick' to her. (addicted to her)"

"What do you call a pickle that draws? A dillustrator."

"*watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today!"

"Why was the 6 month old African baby crying? (x-post from ImGoingToHellForThis) It was having a mid-life crisis."