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Joke of the Day

"3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP! ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* 3YO: I want a snack."

"I think lamps are my favorite furniture. They're always brightening up my day."

"The worst part about online dating is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140."

"There was an explosion at a French cheese store Everywhere you looked, there was a lot of de brie."

"If M. Night Shyamalan told a knock-knock joke. * Knock knock. * ""Who's there?"" * ""M. Night Shyamalan."" * ""M. Night Shyamalan who?"" * ""Nah, I'm just messing with you. I was inside the whole time."""

"My dad's addicted to christmas dinner But he's been cold turkey every meal since."

"Study indicates Percussion as cause of Hard Drive failure. Whacked Drives Shatter..."

"What's the matter son? The boy next door said I look just like you? What did you say? Nothing he's bigger than me !"

"""Oh you're excited about something? I'll make sure that it doesn't happen."" - Life"

"What's the definition of innocence? A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice."