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Joke of the Day

"Im sorry I yelled ""GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE"" when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn't be married"

"Q: Why couldn't the cat speak? A: The dog taped his mouth."

"I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom... Then I discovered twitter."

"OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]"

"What do you call a fat computer? Adele."

"Flashing my Costco card at the lady at the entrance is the closest I'll ever get to feeling like I'm on the VIP list at the clubs."

"In his prime, Richard Simmons was, at best, in just okay shape."

"a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat"

"Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night? God: no..... Angel: *holds up platypus God: a little.."

"A man walks into a bar. By the way, I'm the guy who accidentally knocked over Usain Bolt. Sorry, I'm not good with segways."