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Joke of the Day

"my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera"

"How do you say unicorn in Spanish? Unamaize"

"Why are all jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women will not touch anything unless it is 10% off."

"[robbery] ROBBER: Give me all your money! ME: I don't have it all with me. ROBBER: Dang!"

"What did the band kid say to the other band kid after she found out he was cheating on her? ""You double timing son of a bitch!"""

"Kid goes to buy weed for the first time. Kid: how much you want for that half ounce? Dealer: 4 20s Ill go hide in shame."

"Where did little Sarah go after the bombings? Everywhere"

"What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen? Don't ask her out again."

"Brad Pitt. While you're helping the world, please feed your wife."

"Whats the only fruit that can't run away to get married?? A Cantaloupe."