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Joke of the Day

"[girl brings me back to her apartment] her: come to bed me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]"

"It's Thanksgiving week in the U.S., but all I'm hearing is... ...everyone's Russian to get Turkey."

"*Filling out application* Sex: ""no thanks"" Well maybe I should write yes... I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I'll take sex."

"Why do witches have stiff joints ? They get broomatism !"

"Q: How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Change it to what?"

"What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? A widow."

"One of my many niche-market jokes They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so why haven't beekeepers monopolized the fashion industry?"

"What do you call it when you lobotomize a bunch of terrorists? Simplifiying Radicals. (MATH joke)"

"GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks JOHNSON: like...river banks, or"

"I should've listened to my dad. Friend: What did he say? Me: How the fuck would I know? I didn't listen."