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Joke of the Day

"[Hostage situation] Um I don't want to be ""that hostage"", but I just want to let you know I have a gluten allergy."

"My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon. She learned to fight in prison."

"My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don't see why he can't just clean it off his desk, and move on."

"*interrupts your heartfelt story* Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say ""dying wish"" again! Ok now say ""coffee""!"

"I wish to die peaceful and in sleep like my grandfather and not screaming and afraid like passengers in his bus."

"If your uncle Jack was riding a horse named Bill Cosby, and your uncle got stuck on the horse, would you help your uncle Jack off Bill Cosby?"

"What came first? The chicken, the egg or millions of years of evolution that are ignored by a stupid fucking idiom."

"Jokes about fat people aren't funny. They just don't work out."

"[lights focus on guy in interrogation room] ""Say it. SAY IT."" *points at sign saying ""Worcestershire Sauce""*"

"Dogs can't operate an MRI machine but... Catscan."