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Joke of the Day

"I just bought an answering machine and it doesn't work. Or maybe I'm just asking it the wrong questions."

"Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks."

"I'll stop at nothing... ...to avoid using negative numbers."

"If everything is going your way You're in the wrong lane"

"ME: who's a good boy!! DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit ME: what DOG: bark"

"One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn't Nintendo."

"A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, ""Can I touch it?"" He answers, ""No way -- you already broke yours off!"""

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I've said it before."

"What happens when a boy comes into a girls house nothing, he just came into her house."

"It's like grandma always said... Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won't be invited back."