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Joke of the Day
"My wife is mad at me. Get this, her diary says I have boundary issues."
Next Joke
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi"
"Danger is my middle name. Avoid is my first, and Completely is my last. Nice to meet you."
"Choosing between Hillary and Trump is like having to fart really bad while sitting between Scarlett Johansson and The Pope. I don't know which way to lean."
"Why were the people in the Twin Towers disappointed on 9/11? They ordered 2 pepperoni pizzas, but all they got were 2 large plains."
"I just invented this new word! Plagiarism."
"What's Hitler's favorite drink? Genocider"
"9: Have you seen my harmonica? [flashback to me smashing it with a hammer] me: Did you look under your bed?"
"Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once."
"Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts. His name was Frank"